Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
