I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
