remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
