i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
