swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
