Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sext me about skeletons
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
