i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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