I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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