My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
