Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
