if you like me you must not know who I am
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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