she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
