wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
