No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
