you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
