i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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