She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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