I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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