she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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