just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
