why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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