His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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