theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
