she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So gin and wine won't be happening again
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
