I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
