Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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