I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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