My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
