Please, let me fuck your mom
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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