I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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