i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
