i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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