Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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