I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
