remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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