All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
