apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
