turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
