Soap is not a condiment
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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