Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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