I just saw a hot homeless man
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Vodka?
Forever.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
