need another drink. this is the easiest way
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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