The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
