I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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