just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My life is pants optional.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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