Me too!
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
