every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
