The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
