in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
