turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
