I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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