i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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