I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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