I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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