I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
